Today they let me out for 8 hours. They let me out because I'm healthy... and bored. However, my blood count (henceforth to be referred to as CBC) is starting to show that I'm sick. My white cells are half of what they were yesterday... but, it's still high enough to be functional. Blah, blah, blah.I am angry that they are keeping me here at this stupid hospital during what are likely to be my last few healthy days in the coming 7 months. REALLY? You let me out all day (because I am ok) only to force me to sleep at the hospital so people can wake me up every few hours to take vital signs? REALLY? I am fucking homesick! Let me go home! Ah, but what did I do today with my 8 hours off? Good question, that puts me in better spirits. My mom and I walked around Seward Park and the weather was AMAZING. Then I got depressed about how this weekend last year was amazing also and I spent it with my amazing students planting shrubs at Lake People Park... Oh depressing digression! Anyway, after walking we went to the store and bought germ-a-phobe supplies. I'm sure this will come up as we wind our way along chemotherapy, but I'm definitely of the mindset of that germs are GOOD. I don't always wash my hands! I think bleach wipes will be the downfall of human society! I hate PURELL!!!! But. I am about to have no immune system and so I'm trying to learn new habits... like using paper towels, and constantly washing/sanitizing my hands... BLAH!This is a great post, huh? Back the happier part of today. J and R made me dinner... at 4:30 in the afternoon so I could enjoy a Roommate meal at home. It was fucking phenomenal. Jenny made Portobello Wellington and mashed potatoes. I haven't wanted to eat since Wednesday. I mean, once I got over the "barfies" food just seems so... enh. I'll think about eating, but it's not worth the effort and nothing sounds good. Strange. Anyway, when Jenny sent me a text today with various dinner options I saw Mashed Potatoes and something inside me decided to live! I ate more this afternoon than I have in a week! But here I am at the hospital. I'm sorry I haven't been very good at returning phone calls and emails. All of this is starting to hit me and I feel kind of on the verge of losing it a lot. I'm not really ready to lose it. Instead, I keep drifting off to my comfortable place which is objective philosophizing. Ah, Cancer: the evolution of human cells, the inevitable end to poisoning our environment, the Coming of Age Struggle for Jessie... Fuck. I'm trying to go drug-free tonight and get all these pollutants out of my body.

http://jessielogan.blogspot.com/

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i used to say nonsense shit all the time, all self-congratulatory, about how i didn't ever get stressed out ever. i think i said that because when i thought of "stress" i immediately thought "cathy" and since i am not middle aged or in the market for a swim suit, i assumed i was never stressed out.i think i am though. a little stressed. right now. because when the little teenage girl working the counter at 24 hour fitness told me they were out of towels, i almost yelled at her. i raised my voice. which i don't do to strangers, even when they are screaming obscenities in my ear. and then when this bartender last night was so snide with me last night just because i wanted to know how long my lentil soup was going to take so i could go down and listen to the music and then come back ("you just ordered it, geeze, it's going to be a little while"), i nearly snatched my dollar tip off the counter.when i looked at my new driver's license today and saw they had GOTTEN MY BIRTHDAY WRONG (yes they send it in the mail so i was unable to see the mistake at the dmv) even though they scanned my passport and saw my old license and i'm sure i wrote it out for them, i sighed heavily. things are getting to me. the man on the phone said i have to come back in to have it fixed. i was just in there twice. dear dmv, ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?plus of course, a lot of school and work and reading things and creating things and i realize the more i think about it that i am fucking freaked about jessie having cancer. it's wrong. it makes no sense.actually this is the main thing that is bothering me but it's hard kind of bothering to explain. it is easier to want to murder random members of the service industry and to drink a bottle of dead guy while watching firefly. two sunny points in the cloudy dark: dead guy at a convenience store down the street and firefly.here is me. in case you forgot what i look like in pictures i take of myself. i wear the same sweatshirt everyday. there is bike grease on my forehead.

http://flashlightmonster.blogspot.com/

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